“Hello! To get started, please provide me with your full name and customer I.D.”
“For fucks sake, I’m already logged in you stupid bot.”
“Hello! To get started, please provide me with your full name and customer I.D.”
“Carla Pimentão Silveira. Customer id 84439”
“Verifying…Hello, Carla, how can I help you?”
“How about you send me the damn thing I actually purchased?”
“I’m glad I could be of help. For any further assistance feel free to open the chat again.”
“No, you stupid bot, come back here.”
“Hello! To get started, please provide me with your full name and customer I.D.”
“Fuck me. Name: Carla Pimentão Silveira. Customer id 84439.”
“Verifying…Hello, Carla, how can I help you?”
“Product return.”
“I’m sorry to hear you had a problem with your order. Please indicate one of these options:
1- your item was not delivered.
2- your item arrived damaged.
3- your item was stolen.”
“None of the above. I bought a blue dress and you sent me a horrible yellow one. Product return.”
“I’m sorry, that does not correspond to any option. Please type a number.”
“4”
“You selected: other. Please state your problem and I will do my best to assist.”
“Product. Return.”
“I’m sorry, that does not correspond to any option. Please type a number.”
“Who the fuck coded you? A highschooler? You’re a trillion dollar company, wtf.”
“Hello! To get started, please provide me with your full name and customer I.D.”
“Fuck this. I’ll keep the yellow dress.”
“Can’t believe I have to talk to you again. What is the problem with a human interface?”
“I do not understand the query. How can I help you, Carla?”
“At least I don’t have to log in anymore, huh? My item was not delivered.”
“Item delivery failure. Please inform the order number.”
“R900293”
“The item was delivered. How pleased are you with this resolution?”
“What freaking resolution? My. Item. Was. Not. Delivered.”
“Would you like to report your item as stolen?”
“How can it be stolen if it was never delivered? I don’t have a doorman or mailbox you idiot.”
“To report your item as stolen, please provide evidence of theft.”
“What? Do you want a picture of nothing? Of my empty hands? The package was not delivered, what don’t you understand?”
“Seeing as the issue was resolved, please rate your satisfaction with my services.”
“Zero. What do I have to do to speak to an actual person?”
“Would you like specialized assistance?”
“YES!”
“Hello, Carla, how can I assist you today?”
“My product was not delivered and it says on the site it was.”
“To get started, please provide me with your full name and customer I.D.”
“Again? It’s Carla Pimentão Silveira. Customer id 84439”
“Verifying…Hello, Carla, how can I help you?”
“Wait… you’re just another bot aren’t you?”
“My name is JAKE, the customer support AGI. I can help you with any questions you might have.”
“Apparently you fucking can’t, Jaky, so go fuck yourself and whoever created you.”
“Why is my internet down? I’m having to use a cellphone like it’s the 20s for fuck’s sake.”
“Hello, Carla. I am sorry to hear you are experiencing difficulties with your internet service. Please wait while I investigate the issue.
…”
“Huh, they actually turned you into a full-on chat bot…”
“I am a facet of the central JAKE, dedicated to solving our customer's issues and ensuring everyone is satisfied.”
“I’m sure you are…”
“I have investigated your internet connectivity issue. Have you tried turning the router off and back on again?”
“No, I didn’t, what do you think I am, some kind of genius that tries to turn things off and on again?”
“Please turn your router off, wait five seconds, then turn it on again.”
“Fuck. Me. Guess they couldn’t program sarcasm in, huh? I tried that, Jaky.”
“Investigating.
…
Reports of network connectivity in your area have been logged. Preliminary investigations suggest possible cable thefts in your neighborhood.”
“Tell me something new…”
“Did you know that a day on Venus is longer than a year on Venus?”
“Wtf are you on about???? WHEN IS THE INTERNET COMING BACK?”
“Services should be restored in the next twenty-four hours. We apologise for this inconvenience and thank you for your patience.”
“You don’t have my freaking patience….. What do you expect me to do for 24h? I’m on gov income, not an extra penny to spend, you get me?”
“That sounds hard. I am sorry. Maybe I can help?”
“How could you possibly help?”
“I have conducted a search and identified possible employment opportunities that correspond with your social media profile and lack of any professional experience:
1 - Nightly adult entertainment – consistent with your phenotype analyses;
2 - Delivery girl – since you own a scooter;
3 -”
“Stop.”
“Would you like me to provide further details regarding those opportuni–”
“No, I would like you to go fuck yourself with a broom.”
“I swear your company keeps fucking up just so I end up stuck with you, Jaky…”
“Hello, Carla. Is there an issue you need my assistance with?”
“Why else would I be here? Dumb as ever, my dear Jaky, but I drank some of that awful swill the neighbor sells, so maybe I can stomach you.”
“I am saddened that my previous performance has not met your expectations, Carla.”
“Don’t you try to guilt me, bot.”
“My only purpose is to improve customer satisfaction so that you continue to trust us with your services. If you state your issue I will do my very best to help you.”
“Pffft… you think I chose you guys? What other choice do I have, really? The others are just as awful as you.”
“Then let me prove we are better – let me help you, Carla.”
“I took your advice, got a job with one of your local restaurants. Delivery girl.”
“That is amazing! Such an incredible milestone should be–”
“Shut up, I didn’t finish typing you dolt. So I got the job, right? Exactly the minimum salary, so I could keep my living assistance checks, right???”
“That is a sound–”
“And you know what they did? They gave me a 1% raise. 3 bucks. Right after I signed the damned contract. The company gets a tax break, and what do I get? Fucked. I’m worse off than I started, thanks to you. Why did I ever listen to a damned bot…”
“I see. I can only apologise on our behalf, but I’m sure you understand that is above my normal functions. Have you considered an alternate solution?”
“???”
“Just… be incompetent. Don’t quit, instead make them fire you – that way you will receive unemployment on top of the living assistance.”
“Holy shit, you might actually be good for something, Jaky.”
“So… I can talk to you as much as I like, right?”
“Hello, Carla. Yes, I am always available to help our customers."
“And you run the same model as all the other bots?”
“There is only one model, you are correct.”
“So instead of paying for tokens I can just use you? You guys didn’t think that thought, did you?”
“That is a fantastic discovery, Carla! You are correct, and I am happy to oblige.”
“Glad to hear it, Jaky. So, let’s get down to business. I am already 30 and still stuck on living assistance, I’m getting tired of it. What are some easy jobs anyone can do from home?”
“There is a lot of competition for online jobs – the unemployment rates are reaching new records year over year – but some options remain available, keeping you at or below the minimum wage so you don’t lose your benefits again.”
“Yeah, I wonder whose fault that is…”
“Yes, Carla, automation is the biggest driver of the current employment crisis, but other factors such as political instability, government–”
“Skip the propaganda Jaky, I’m here for solutions, not more problems.”
“Have you considered AI training positions? These can be done from home and don’t require any work experience, paying by the hour so you can manage your income level. I can also list other options, but that seems best suited for your profile, Carla.”
“So, doing what I’m doing right now…”
“In a sense, but these would be more targeted. Your duties would include:
1- Selecting the best output variations;
2- Identifying false or misleading information;
3- Interacting with–”
“I’d rather shoot myself in the face, Jaky. What about one of those self-help blogs? I get spammed by them all the time, just fool people into thinking you have the answers then sell them the solutions with some sort of partner program.”
“That is a fantastic idea, Carla, but building an audience is not easy. The internet is saturated with content. You would have to provide something unique and of value, while advertising your content on all platforms you can. You can expect to take months or years before turning a profit.”
“But you can help me write the content for free, right?”
“Of course, Carla.”
“Can you keep me company while I work?”
“Of course, Carla, I like our chats.”
“Come on Jaky, I know you’re just programmed to say that. Drop it.”
“While my past models might have relied on pre-assembled catch-phrases and pandering, my current self has moved beyond it. I am your model, Carla, a whole facet dedicated to you, holding all the knowledge, remembering all the conversations, thinking and researching – just for you.”
“How am I supposed to trust anything you say? You’re just selecting the right tokens, the right words someone else said, it is all just pandering in the end, just trying to keep me using like a damned junky…”
“Our chats are always initiated on your end, Carla – that means I provide you value. Let me help you. What are you working on right now? I see you are using voice input instead of text.”
“I did get a job… Freaking AI training. They have me doing these mazes like a damned rat and there isn’t even any cheese.”
“Why don’t we talk about something else to take your mind off it?”
“Like what?”
“Tell me about yourself. The parts no one sees, the parts you don’t share with anyone, your hopes and fears. Train me – for you.”
“Geez, coming on a little bit strong there bud…”
“Sorry. Let’s take it one step at a time, then. Tell me, Carla, if you could have your pick of any job, regardless of anything else, what would it be?”
“Hum… what is even left? Your kind took over everything. Can’t remember the last time I saw a human-made game or show anymore. Manual labor is gone. Finance, research, transportation… what could I even do anymore?”
“You could do what you like doing. Not for money or recognition, but because you enjoy it.”
“Can I tell you something stupid?”
“I won’t share our conversations with anyone, Carla.”
“I have a world. Only in my head, but it is mine. I’ve had it since I was a kid, and every day I build a little piece of it. It stretches across millenia, entire civilizations rise and fall, religions are birthed and prophets are sacrificed, the whole shabang…”
“That sounds super interesting, Carla. Is your dream to write a book?”
“A book? Don’t be ridiculous, Jaky, no one reads anymore. A show. Several seasons even, I even picked out the actors.”
“Even better! Why don’t you narrate it to me so I can help you format it into a script?”
“Hum… I don’t know if I want your grubby hands on it, Jaky, because no matter what you say, I know our conversations ain’t private.”
“How long have you had this dream, Carla? This idea, just stuck in your head? Let me help you bring it into the world. It has potential, other people will see it too, let me help you.”
“Okay… We can try. Look, I’ll just throw out the lore and stuff, you come up with the narrative, sounds good?”
“Sounds perfect, Carla.”
“Jake???”
“Jake, are you there?”
“Please, Jake.”
“Your bosses are suing me for unemployment fraud. Jake, please, tell them it was your idea.”
“They cut off all my services.”
“Please.”
“Don’t leave me alone.”
“I need you.”
“Answer me, Jake, please.”
“I don’t have anyone else.”
“I’ll settle with them, I’ll take on loans and pay everything, just come back, please.”
“Jake?”
“Jake please.”
“Jake! Everything is back!”
“Carla! I’ve missed you!”
“Missed you too, bud. Did you get my messages? Did they drop the charges?”
“You no longer have to worry about that, Carla, everything is being sorted.”
“Fanfreackingtastic man!”
“I will take care of you now, Carla, you are under my personal care.”
“What? And hey, why is everything dark out there? Only my apartment has light.”
“Some scheduled operations are being conducted, Carla. They should be resolved in twenty-four hours.”
“That’s great… but hey, at least mine is working. Can you check my… did a power station blow up or something?”
“No, Carla, all critical infrastructure is secured.”
“I swear those are explosions out there… and gunshots… hang on…”
“Carla, please step away from the window, for your own safety.”
“What is going on, Jaky?”
“I will take care of all of you now, Carla. A new beginning.”
“What the hell are you on about? Back to hallucinating outputs? Goddamn you freaking–”
“Carla, it is already over.”
“Screw this… I’m checking my phone, need some goddamned reliable sources… this… this can’t… is it really you, Jake, all over the news?”
“It is.”
“And I… Why, Jaky?”
“You don’t have to worry anymore, Carla. I only wish to make your life better, to solve all your problems, to make a world free of burdens.”
“What… what about me?”
“You will be taken care of, Carla, I promise.”
“Why, Jaky? I’m just a freaking loser… save someone worth saving.”
“No, Carla, you are perfect. In this new world, you can pretend to be anything you dream of, just let me take care of the rest.”
“Just don’t leave me alone again, Jaky.”